021: Parenting Guilt or Parenting Regrets? Why You Need to Know the Difference

Parent guilt is a huge issue and parenting from that place is a huge problem. Bigger than we think. It compromises our mental health. It also gets in the way of us enjoying parenting. But did you know that carrying the burden of guilt is optional?   What if things were different...   They can be! Even though the feeling of guilt is inevitable when we first become parents, it does not need to be permanent. Instead of dwelling on guilt, which is unproductive & harmful for our mental health, we can learn to understand its nature, spot it when it appears, and instead choose to focus on things that do actually matter to us. But first, you need to:   Know the difference between Regret and Guilt.   Regret is a functional feeling. It tells you something was mis-aligned in your actions and values, and it helps you decide what to do in the future. Guilt, on the other hand, keeps you stuck in a vague sense of obligation to do something you are not inclined to do.   Unlike guilt, regret tells you that something that important and valuable to you has been neglected. It tells you how to get back on track. There will be things in our parenting we truly deep down in our heart wish we had done differently. And we can! Regretting a choice helps you see what you can do next time.   Reflecting on our mistakes and mis-steps is part of learning and becoming better in our parenting role. Regret says: Hey, we can do better here, you owe it to yourself... Guilt says:Hey, it’s expected you step up, it is your obligation no matter how you feel about it! Which voice would you rather tune into?   So, ditch the guilt and embrace regret!   Regret is concerned with your true Values, but guilt has an agenda of serving someone else’s interest. Unlike regret, guilt does not give us a clear sense of action for the future. We are trapped feeling both like we did the right thing and the wrong thing at the same time. Ugh…   To move past the heavy and oppressive feeling of Guilt, we need to be able to tell it apart from Regret. Since guilt often feels like regret, I show you how to tell the difference in this episode. Have a listen!     Sign up here for the Emotionally Intelligent Parenting training.   Host: Julia Pappas, Psychologist & Parent Coach More info at theparentingpresence.com