34: 10 Tips for When Your Spouse Won’t Change

Do you ever think, If only my spouse would change, then I’d be happy? If you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve probably thought that at least once. Unfortunately, God hasn’t given us a magic wand to change our spouses! That’s okay though. Here are 10 tips to help you when your spouse won’t change. 10 Tips For When Your Spouse Won’t Change 1. Recognize that you can’t change everyone you want to change. Now you might be thinking, Isn’t this a no-brainer? Doesn’t everyone know that? Well, no. I didn’t. It took me almost 20 years to learn that little fact. I always thought that if I could just think of that one thing to say–that one sparkling, shiny thought–that then my husband would see the light and say, “Where have you been all my life? Of course I want to change!” I kept trying to find that sparkly thought, but I never found it. Then I started truth journaling. And after two months of truth journaling the same thoughts over and over, God finally got through my thick head and said, “Barb! Wake up! I haven’t given you the power to change everyone.” That was back in the days when I thought I was the good guy and my husband was the bad guy. God used the annoying faults of my husband to point out my own annoying faults (one of them being a critical and condemning spirit). God taught me how to love and enjoy people in their as-is condition, which brings me to the next point. 2. Recognize that your spouse isn’t as bad as you think he or she is. I was operating under the impression that some faults are terrible and other faults aren’t that bad. Interestingly, all of my faults fit into the “not that bad” category. My husband’s faults fit into the “terrible” category. I was delusional. My husband was a great person, just a very different person than I. With different strengths, weaknesses, preferences, and priorities. Who was I to say that I was the good one and he was the bad one? We both had sinful tendencies. God in His kindness put us together because He wanted us to rub off on each other. That’s happened. I like silence much more than I used to, and my husband likes conversation much more than he used to. I’m more accepting of others than I used to be and he’s more willing to change than he used to be.  This brings me to the next point. 3. Ask your spouse if he’s willing to change. I know. I said we couldn’t change our spouses. But we can ask them to change. The question is, “How do you do that?” When I used to ask my husband to change, it was usually late at night, when I was extremely hurt or annoyed. Do I need to say that those conversations didn’t go well? He felt threatened and attacked, and I felt like he didn’t love me enough to work out our problems. If you’re going to bring up something, do it in a loving way. Pray through 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 or Colossians 3:12-15 so you’re in a loving mood when you start. You may also want to truth journal or go through these annoyance questions first so you have the truth at the front of your mind. Then bring up your subject in a respectful, way.