”Ask Leslie” Speaking Up in a Destructive Marriage

In this episode, Julie Sedenko & Leslie Vernick discuss the importance and the challenges of speaking up in relationships, particularly in difficult or destructive marriages. The Challenge of Speaking Up: In destructive marriages, speaking up can be scary and unsafe. Balancing the need to speak up for oneself with the potential negative responses. Referencing Matthew 7, where Jesus warns about casting pearls before swine. The Value of Learning to Speak Up: Emphasizing the importance of speaking up for oneself in mature relationships. The need for effective communication to build healthier relationships. Acknowledging that speaking up doesn't always mean speaking in the heat of the moment. Guidelines for Speaking Up: The wisdom of using biblical teachings to navigate different situations. Differentiating between speaking about someone else's behavior and one's own feelings. Self-reflection is important before addressing others' behaviors. Approach others with humility and understanding. Navigating Difficult Conversations: How to keep things calm when a partner isn't interested in listening or finding solutions. A different approach to asking about their perspective on a healthy marriage. Recognizing contradictory expectations about marriage and communication. Preparing for Meaningful Conversations: The importance of preparation and groundwork before discussing sensitive topics. The significance of speaking with love. Balancing truth with love to avoid coming across as harsh. Hard conversations require personal preparation for effective communication. The Five Levels of Conversation: Superficial chitchat. Sharing news and facts. Sharing personal thoughts and ideas. Sharing feelings. Sharing one's essence and deepest self. Creating a Safe Space for Conversations: Understanding potential reasons for a partner's escalation or shutdown. Addressing a partner's potential fear of feeling incompetent. Encouraging compassion and patience in understanding each other's limitations. Comparing emotional intimacy to physical intimacy. Overcoming Resistance and Creating Safety What happens when one partner resists opening up or having deep conversations.  Establishing a safe space is crucial. This can be done through various boundaries and techniques.  Balancing Expectations and Reality Sometimes partners have different communication styles and comfort levels.  Understanding your partner’s background, upbringing, and communication patterns can help bridge the gap.  Recognize that not all conversations need to be extensive or immediate. Patience and consistency are key. Navigating Disagreements and Escalation How to handle situations when a conversation has escalated.  Emphasize mutual respect and recognize when emotions are becoming heated. Resources:Walking in Core Strength Group Coaching Program: www.leslievernick.com/strength Love Talk Starters: 275 Questions to Get Your Conversations Going by Les & Leslie Parrott