Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives

Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”Why Teen Boys Retrict EmotionTeen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”Helping Boys Express EmotionA boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.Getting Teen Boys to TalkAccording to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:Teen boys’ emotionFactors that affect boys’ emotional expressionHelping boys open upEmotional safe havensNormalizing emotionsHelping boys understand angerHolding boys responsibleWhat teen boys think about Andrew TateTalking about controversial topicsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:remasculine.com — Brendan’s websiteRe: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinityHold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by BrendanWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy