N4L 081: "The Gift of Failure" by Jessica Lahey

SUMMARY Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure, gives parents a multitude of reasons to let go so their children can succeed. As an educator, author, and mother, Lahey sees this delicate balancing act from all angles. But with modern parents embracing overprotectiveness like never before, she recognizes the danger of cushioning falls and being overly responsive to children’s needs. Truth be told, a child not allowed to fail will never learn to solve his own problems and become an autonomous, competent, independent adult. As a teacher, Lahey noticed a disturbing pattern among parents who constantly raced to the rescue of their children, causing them to lose their love of learning. At the same time, she was dismayed to discover some of the same detrimental effects from her own parenting when her nine-year-old son could not tie his own shoes. Find out "How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed."  KEY POINTS All parents want their children to succeed, but parents themselves can become the biggest roadblock to their success by teaching them to fear failure. We parents have become used to getting feedback on our performance; now we look at our own kids for feedback. But kids are not our report card. A three-step process to help kids believe we care more about the learning: step back, focus more on the long term than on the short term, and start thinking more about the process of learning rather than the end product. Be willing to learn from your own mistakes by making some goals that are a little bit scary. Extrinsic rewards erode long-term motivation. Praise kids for very specific behaviors; even positive, general praise (especially labeling) can be especially damaging for low-self-esteem kids. Formative assessment is difficult for kids unaccustomed to hearing anything negative about themselves. Do not pay kids for “family contributions” (tasks around the house). Kids who help have a sense of control (self-efficacy). PPP = “Pressured Parents Phenomenon” (how parents have become each other’s worst enemy) Middle-school kids have nowhere near the executive brain function they need to handle all the tasks required of them. Children grow by doing their own college search and living by hard and fast deadlines. Keep your hands off their essays! QUOTES FROM LAHEY “When we are too directive…when we tell them exactly how to do things…that renders kids a lot less able to cope with their own frustration.” “Kids who can get frustrated are a lot more likely to finish things that are frustrating, and the most powerful teaching tools we have are things like desirable difficulties.” “They need to start being able to look to themselves as their own sort of compass for what is quality.” “Failure is a fact of life in middle school, so embrace it!” “Every single moment you feel an impulse to jump in and do for your kid…you’re telling him—without meaning to—'I don’t think you’re capable of handling this yourself.’” BUY The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed RECOMMENDATIONS BUY Freaky Friday (2003) BUY Freaky Friday (1976) BUY Mindset: The New Psychology of Success BUY The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money BUY Pressured Parents, Stressed-out Kids: Dealing With Competition While Raising a Successful Child For weekly updates, join our email list! Follow us on social media! Facebook Instagram Twitter YouTube Special thanks… Music Credit Sound Editing Credit