N4L 015: "Being There" by Erica Komisar

Erica Komisar champions the role of mothers in Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters. As a licensed clinical social worker, psychoanalyst, and parent guidance expert, Komisar sees a strong correlation between absent mothers and children diagnosed with mental disorders such as ADHD, aggression, autism, anxiety, and depression. Her words are a clarion call to society, which has come to devalue mothers and overvalue success, money, achievement, and status. The message is not a political message but rather a human message: mothers are not a luxury to children; they are a necessity. Women are biologically designed to take care of their babies, especially during the first three years. Although this concept is instinctive to many women, Komisar now supports it with research. In addition to citing numerous studies, Komisar includes experiential evidence and sage advice. She aims to teach all mothers how to be more physically and emotionally present for their children while finding ways to feel more joy and peace in their maternal role. Consider just three important takeaways: Mothers act as a baby’s central nervous system for the first nine months. During this time, babies are unable to regulate emotions and stress on their own. The good news is mothers are uniquely equipped to comfort constantly, from moment to moment, all day long. As Komisar says, "The capacity to develop in a healthy manner, to regulate stress, to balance emotions, and to feel for another human being begins with mothers." In other words, when present, a mother can neutralize emotions and buffer stress. These moms can expect their children to grow up to be resilient adults. Every absence from a baby needs repairing. Komisar tells us,"The most painful times for young children are the comings and goings of their mothers." When a mother leaves for even a very short time, her baby feels distressed. Knowing this, mothers can choose to be there during times of transition. Her presence is especially important when babies go to sleep and wake up. To avoid too many separations, mothers can choose to keep very young babies physically close. Her touch, eye contact, and voice are all very reassuring, increasing a baby’s emotional security. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Although both mothers and fathers produce oxytocin (the love hormone), this chemical produces different responses in males and females. A mother is “bathed” in oxytocin when she delivers a baby and breastfeeds. This causes her to become a more sensitive and empathic nurturer. A father who spends time with his baby also produces increased oxytocin. But the hormone causes him to become more playfully stimulating. He also produces vasopressin. This helps him protect his young, regulate their aggression, and help them separate healthily from their mothers at the right time. BUY Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years Matters More about "Being There" Music Credit Sound Editing Credit