S2ME15: Twas The Fight Before Christmas
Kung Fu Drive-In Podcast - A podcast by Jeof Vita
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The kids were passed out and mama was too
Which meant I had plenty of time for kung fu.
I poured a BIG nightcap, and settled into my chair
With visions of ninjas slicing right through the air
Picked up the remote, flicked on the TV
Grabbed an armful of random kung fu DVDs
There was Five Deadly Venoms and Liu’s Master Killer
King Boxer, Flying Guillotine, all classics, no filler
As I watched every fight scene I began to drink faster,
and started to feel like a true Drunken Master
Tore thru Shaolin Temple, Deadly Duo and Butcher
Five Element Ninjas then got Bruce in the picture
I waved my arms ‘round, as my head felt much lighter
Then struggled to count to Eight Diagram Pole Fighter
Mad Monkey Kung Fu was the next film on tap
And then followed by Ninja in the Deadly Trap
I giddily laughed at the ball crushing White Lotus
And at least for the moment, forgot all about POTUS
Then the Kid with the Golden Arm flexed some muscle
My Young Auntie and Five Shaolin Masters did tussle
Shaolin vs Ninja, Warriors Two, Masked Avengers
And I’m no longer sure how much of this I’ll remember
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I tripped over the dog to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters, nearly threw up on the sash.
When I held down my bile and looked out o’er the snow
I smiled briefly at the number of films left to go
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
I shook my head hard and fought off being sick
Stared down at my drink and thought “That can’t be St. Nick.”
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Bruce, now! Jackie now! Donnie and Jet,
On! Sammo, Don Wilson, and Chuck Norris, you bet!
Today we’ve got Adkins, Jai White & Cung Le
Lewis Tan, Amy Johnston, and Alain Moussi
There’s Iko, Katrina, Tony Jaa on the block
Ernie Reyes, Don Niam, Jacobus, Taimak.
Jean Claude Van Johnson, Daniel Wu swings his sword
Even Iron Fist if you have to, so kung fu fans can’t be bored
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Gimme all that kung fu! To me, give it all!"
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:
He landed in stance brushed off his red sweater
He said “Your kung fu might be good … but Mine is better.”
He peeled off a roundhouse that I ducked but just barely
Then flipped over my head, and double punched my back squarely
I coughed up some blood then threw down my glass
I can’t believe Santa's about to kick my ass.
I channeled my Jackie and broke out Drunken Monk
I bet I looked awesome. Or maybe just drunk.
I bobbed and I weaved as Nick drove in with his knee
I blocked it with my face and probably started to pee
When I regained my senses, I avoided a punch
Tried to hadoken, but just upchucked my lunch.
Through bruised bloody eyes, I saw my adversary
His eyes—how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry,
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
He said “Your kung fu is garbage. But at least now you know.
I’ll let you live this time but I’ll be back in a year.
Maybe then you’ll be ready and give me something to fear."
As I lay there in pain, trying hard not to cry
He smiled at my weakness and gave a wink of his eye
He had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook when he laugh'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
He spoke no more words, but went straight to his work,
And fill'd all the stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,
And pressing his thumb to the side of his nose
He gave it a Bruce, and up the chimney he rose.
I looked up to my stocking and smiled thru the pain
at a gift card for classes so that I could go train:
As I slowly blacked out, I heard the scrape of his sleigh
I quietly whispered, Santa, you bastard you will rue this day.
The next time I see you. I’ll be lively and quick.
And I plan to make very short work of Saint Nick.
I watched him depart carried on Christmas magic.
What my kids will find tomorrow will be nothing short of tragic
But I heard him exclaim, as Flags of Iron unfurled—
Happy Christmas to all, Poison Clan Rocks the World!
We discuss, debate and dissect kung fu movies and martial arts cinema past, present, and future!
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YOUTUBE LINKS:
http://youtu.be/5zeRoGFft2s by Justin H @KingofKungFuAMP
