The good divorce: how to help children cope with a break up

Education consultant and parenting coach Joseph Driessen talks about the parental attitudes and skills that help children cope with a separation or divorce.There's no such thing as a good divorce, but it is possible for to parents navigate a divorce and avoid damaging their children, says education consultant and parenting coach Joseph Driessen.All divorce is traumatic for children, and this must be accepted as entirely natural and normal, he told Kathryn Ryan.When adults divorce, often for very rational reasons, they are still under the influence of primitive emotions he says."What people are surprised about in a divorce is that our rational mind, our cortex, which evolved 2 million years ago which can calculate, and do maths, it comes to a rational decision this relationship isn't working, and therefore it will be better for all of us to split up."And yet when it actually happens, then we are surprised as humans, that we're overwhelmed by very primitive feelings which belong to our limbic system, the system of our animal heritage." Listen to the full interview with Joseph Driessen.A cycle of emotion is entered into, he says."When we split up we go through a cycle of feelings both the children and the parents, which are much stronger than most of us realise - we're overwhelmed by them."We are deeply attached to the concept we were married and then we lose that, and suddenly the limbic brain says, you lost your husband, you lost your marriage, you lost your partner."The rational one says, yeah that was good, But the limbic mind says it's bad. And so we're overwhelmed with grief, then often fear and anxiety overwhelms us then massive regrets about what we should and shouldn't have done."This cycle ends in anger, Driessen says."What happens is that the adult is sort of knocked off their balance by these strong feelings."And then they've got to manage the children who are also knocked off the balance by their strong feelings."Despite this parents must manage their emotions away from the child, he says."I do that by talking to my friends, to my counsellor, and then in front of the child I try and stay moderate."Now that's very important, especially when you get into the angry phase, so you don't contaminate."Under no circumstances should the child be drawn into the parents' battles, he says."You can't use the children, you just simply cannot use them…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details