You Are The Problem

We all experience some drama and confrontations in life. Typically, when these are the rare occurrence, they are out of our control. However, if they seem to be happening all the time or in almost every relationship, friendship, or job then the problem is not likely to be external. A corollary to the Dealing with Difficult People episode, when the difficulty follows you around no matter where you go then you need to look at yourself for the source of the problem. It is difficult to admit that you are the problem. A lot of introspection is required just to recognize that it is not external. Then humility to accept that you are the problem. Finally courage is necessary to tackle the challenge of overcoming yourself and improving. When you recognize that you are the problem and are able to accept it then you are able to make the changes necessary to fix it. Don’t think of this so much as you being broken and needing fixing but more as you have developed a pattern of maladaptive behaviors that need to be adjusted and changed. The focus here is on self-care and improving your life by improving your relationships and the way you treat others. Next time you find yourself in a heated debate or in the middle of some drama step back and look at your own actions that lead to where you are. Ask yourself what you can do to change. Look back on these tools to help you find where and how to make those changes. Episode Breakdown Knowing the Problem is You Unhealthy patterns of behavior can indicate that you are the problem in a situation. At various times in our lives we are likely to experience or express some of these. One or two every now and then isn’t an issue. It’s when they form a pervasive pattern that you know you might be the problem. Unhealthy View Of Self You do not take responsibility for your own problems and faults. You are never to blame or never at fault for anything. There’s always a way to find someone else to take responsibility. You alienate other by never taking responsibility for yourself. This drives a wedge in friendships and relationships. Friends and coworkers are afraid to be honest with you. People in your life are not able to say anything without you losing control. They do not feel they can be honest with you without getting yelled at about it. Likely they will hide things from you because they don’t want to deal with your rage. You see problems as external to yourself. You are not part of the problem or issue in a relationship or friendship. No one is completely guiltless when it comes to relationship problems. You however don’t see yourself as part of the problem but the victim of circumstances. You sabotage yourself and your relationships. This occurs mostly from overthinking or overdramatizing conversations, especially confrontations. Self-sabotage causes problems in otherwise healthy relationships. You create self-fulfilling prophesies where you place a negative motive on a normal behavior. Then when the other person is defensive about their normal behavior you “know” it is for other reasons. You self-loath or are not happy with yourself. You despise yourself or aspects of yourself but can’t admit that you feel this way. A lot of times this leads to being intolerant of similar flaws in others. It is normal to have aspects of yourself you want to improve or change. Self-loathing is taking it to the extreme and feeling emotionally sick when you think about it. Unhealthy Relationships You have a lot acquaintances but few or no real or close friends. People like to hang out with you but not get into deeper conversations.